The heroe of legend

friend of marco to marco.

+what?

-do you remember me when I was 15?

+yes.

- December, 2005...

+ ...
- You know I was with this girl... she was a fuckin bitch... anyway I just wanted to tell you something.
+ ...
- Once she just told me... hey you know I have to pay this shit, and if i don't pay it, Im gonna fuck with the guy I have the debt with...
+ fuck...
- At the moment, let me tell you the true, i though i felt something for that person but of course i feel completely different now. Anyway something changed. I felt betrayed, I felt hate, I feelt true sadness. I felt destroyed. I felt alone and these things were for the first time.
+ohhh...

- I got the target. I got many things but just now I can realize many mistakes I've done in that shit I was involve with... You know I got in love with lonelyness.
+ Are you just realizing it now?
- Yes. Since that moment I can't live without it. I just need it to live, to be happy, to be unhappy, to live....
+ So you just can't stop it...?

- I'm a fuckin addict now. I'm sorry I just needed to tell it. I needed to find the reason of many things.
+ Man, you need a drink.
- I was born for alcohol. You know what is the worst thing about it? I'm looking for having this shit. I'm looking for it? So, wtf ? what do i am ? am I a fuckin musician or what?
+ You just know it...
- And you don't know it right ? perhaps I'm too good for this world, perhaps we really know our destiny.

+ perhaps you are expecting too much about it. At the end, let me tell you, when you wish they are just behind you they never are, when you want them to call you, they will never do it, when you want them to give you a little moment, they will not give you... Perhaps Yes, we already know our destiny.

- Yes.

+ Painful.

Msn Conversation.

One of those days that you already know the end

(written monday 13th, april)

Treasures

Take one minute of your life and count how many you have. They can be things that you put in your neck, hands or feet. They can be necklaces that saw you almost loosing your life very far away from home. They can be remembers, feelings, pains (sometimes literally). I’m sure we all have these things that we try to protect, that we want to conserve.

…

Probably there is only one and, at the same time, many reasons why I’m working in the daylight without any kind of illegal or legal substances. To have an adventure is like you don’t know even if you are in the correct train when travelling, or like the time when I had to sleep back-to-back, in a bus returning home from another city with someone I used to enjoy to talk with.

It’s definitely a treasure when you want to cry and be upset and smile and the strongest feelings you can have when you are remembering or interacting with them. Whenever I put my necklace for example. They are places as well. They are scares or abrasions that never got closed (heridas ke nunca cerraron).

Some passages are to be crossed alone. You could get hurt while trying, but as my father showed me, the honour is the most important thing. Even if you get killed in the passage, you will never loose the honour. It’s kind of funny but it will be up to you, even if you want your dream to decide it for you. You will get a kiss, one last look, one last night, but anyway you have to face it and be a man.

I was wrong in the last post when I said happiness or sadness can be reached with 2 words. I have just realized that it can be reached with one, if you know how to pronounce it. It’s the quality; it’s like a Peruvian movie. Yes, the Peruvian movies where you can see very old stairs and you hear the sound of them. And while you are going up the stairs, or the mountain in some uncommon cases, you are sure that what is waiting for you after it will not be good or bad but different, strange, bizarre, perhaps so human that you might have the possibility not to live after it or get addicted if we continue with the Peruvian stairs analogy.

…

I think it was going great. Unfortunately I’m will have to stop it.

For all the respect you deserve Cymrus. You will probably have your conclusion after.

This is the "new" plan

What is real? What is a dream? Why I'm in another world? Where do I want to go?
"Take on me, Aha."

It's being so fucking different. It's being difficult actually, but as I said in the last post, I know that the condemnation is to wake up everyday. So, to sum up, even if I get drunk, high or have sex, yes, tomorrow I must wake up. What am I learning about this? I will definitely say that I'm learning that I don't know what on the hell I'm doing.

What are you doing? Let's start by saying that good or bad things can vary so much that for some girls, anal sex is good, for others it's not good. Happiness or sadness? That's a key question that I don't know which I like, or which I want to have for myself. These extreme feelings can change with just 2 words. They can also be part of the other one. So yes, I don't know what I'm doing, but I can say that I'm accepting this fact.

Competition can be part of this. Some people already know what they want, how they want and what to do to get it. In my case, I just can say that I don't want to have it so clear. My goal then, is not to have pre-structured life. I'm, in my way, having an adventure. It's a huge adventure in which I see myself dreaming of having something I will never achieve. Yes, dreams or illusions or inventions.

The first dream I remember is the one I had when I was 6 or 7 years old. It was in Mexico, there was a woman with me and I was driving a red car. Then, I started to invent some stories while I was on bed before sleeping. They were also with girls and red cars. Then I decided to start living these dreams and at the same moment dreaming of them in my bed. Today I just want to close my eyes and sleep as soon as possible.
(this I think is one good example of the influence I had in that moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQrcH45pAeU&feature=PlayList&p=85D0A5DBB0E00670&index=0&playnext=1)

The perfect way to describe a "lonely guy" or a esteparian wolf like me is with my dreams. In our cases, when you are like this, you will always feel it. It doesn't matter where you are, how many people you are with or if you are with that special person. You will always feel alone. It's part of us and maybe, that's the reason of having the most impossible or crazy dreams. A romantic and lonely guy who dreams a lot. My dreams now remind me that sometimes there are some things that must be accepted. Not just with words but with a feeling from the deepest part of your soul. Eyes are one way to look at your soul. How you look, how you touch, how you talk. This is where you can find out this acceptation. My dream(s) are indeed holding me of continuing my route. Actually in this part, I don't know what is my route as I told you, but I think I have to continue and changing different obstacles right?

Future is now with me. He is now seating next to me listening the very interesting story I'm telling. We have just done a deal. At this moment, he is not going to tell me anything about me or others, and for that he will give the opportunity of being sadness or happiness, he will give the condemnation of having to wake up, open the eyes without knowing what is going to happen.

To plan something? Yesterday I didn't plan, but I was expecting to go to a club like a couple of weeks ago when I, in that opportunity, did plan to go to a club, but I didn't go. Or like today, when I was planning to have a good dinner, but it's now almost 2 a.m. and I haven't had any dinner yet. That means like I said before, don't you ever plan something that is not completely in you power. That means don't plan anything at all. I want an ice cream now, but there are less than 0.01 chances of an ice cream car to pass in front of my house.

What is my plan? My plan then, includes football, Sporting Cristal which is my first love of my whole life and Arsenal, anthropology (that doesn't count because is not a plan anymore is more than that), not to do anymore plans (which is basically just "let it be", or one just I don't give a fuck) and of course my dreams. Why my dreams? Because even if I don't want to think of them, even if they are holding and stopping me, even if they have made me change, they are part of my life, and there are some basic things that I have decided since the moments of listening Mar De Copas for the first times. There are some things I will never be able to change.

Yes, the plan has now changed, the same as me. I have also changed and to conclude, I don't know if it's good or bad this change, all I know is that there are many people waiting for me. There are many people looking to meet me, there are many feelings to be felt, there are many songs to listen and many adventures to have.

As the song says: (ya voy, carti team) perhaps, for me, you are waiting foooor, don't you worry, little by little, little by little, I'll be arriving. And yes, I'm gonna take my time to arrive and meet you. You know me, I'm always late! :)

P.S. in next posts I will be using more in-life examples. I'm sure they will be stupid and funny and of course useful. Thanks for you all people, for the support and the good times, vibes and feelings you transmit me. I wish I can meet every person I have ever spent good times with again, with just 1 exception. All the best for the people I love !!

...just to tell you that everything has changed.